Back to sunday though, entering the church was fine. I greeted some of the americans I had met on a trip to london and sat down with my friend and her family. Everyone was really happy and alert when Derrick came up to the front and picked up his guitar, asking everyone to stand up and join in. This was the bit I hated the most, singing and praising with everyone (Partly because I have no talent in the singing department and also from past experience, everyone gets a bit scary when they start to sing about God). I eventually warmed into it and didn't feel so uncomfortable with standing up and even tapped my feet to the music.After the songs, we all sat down to listen to a sermon from this storyteller. It was completely silent except for his voice and it made me very aware of my tic (a gentle grunt) and my fidgeting which consisted of tapping my feet, playing with my hands, looking around the room and shuffling in my seat. I was worrying that people would notice my fidgeting and instantly think I wasn't listening to the storyteller or interested in God.
What I'm not sure about is whether I really don't believe in God or Jesus or whether it's just because the church atmosphere makes me feel very overwhelmed and uncomfortable especially when you see people with their heads in their hands and waving their hands about in the air. It kind of scares me and creeps me out.
If anyone could give me some reassurance it would be great. I do believe there is a God and I know that Jesus existed yet why do I feel so uncomfortable talking about it and dislike being with a large group of christians at the same time.
Don't be self conscious about the fidgeting. Just imagine that all in the room are like you (and many/most are). Its a sickness to be perfectly still, or worse.
ReplyDelete59 and just diagnosed in Montreal
My Dad always used to say, "I love God, but I really hate his fanclub." This was what he told me when I was a teenager and had turned away from the church. He was trying to explain to me that it wasn't God that I was frustrated and disgusted with, it was Christians! I still stopped going to church and I blended my Christian beliefs with those of other religions to creat the pagan mishmash I have now, but that's my path. It's my personal connection to God, so I don't let what other people say bother me.
ReplyDeleteJust remember, the only middle man between you and God is Jesus and no one can tell you how to worship God but him. Every spiritual path is different so don't worry if you blend in with the crowd. Don't worry about being judged because those who in the middle of a sermon are more concentrated on what the fidgety person in the row over is doing is the one who is doing it wrong, not you.
This joke may be in bad taste, but I'm going to say it anyway. You might do well with the Catholic church. All that stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up and talk to your neighbor, sit down again, now stand up and repeat after me, etc, etc. might be just what you need because you are still moving!
Good luck my dear, this is your journey and no one else's.
Personally, I've never tried out the Catholic church and I'm not really aware of the different denominations that separate one christian from the other, which is either stupid of me or maybe means I do not judge like others do.
ReplyDeleteMaybe church isn't the right place for me to worship and all that jazz, it could be the atmosphere, it could be the people but I'm likely to enjoy and concentrate more on my connection with God if I am by myself in a place I feel most comfortable.
Thankyou for the comments :)
My place to be close with God is up a tree, so to each their own. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't be hard on yourself. The best place to connect with God is in solitude. It does seem ideal to praise him in a room full of people but you should do what works for you.
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