Back to sunday though, entering the church was fine. I greeted some of the americans I had met on a trip to london and sat down with my friend and her family. Everyone was really happy and alert when Derrick came up to the front and picked up his guitar, asking everyone to stand up and join in. This was the bit I hated the most, singing and praising with everyone (Partly because I have no talent in the singing department and also from past experience, everyone gets a bit scary when they start to sing about God). I eventually warmed into it and didn't feel so uncomfortable with standing up and even tapped my feet to the music.After the songs, we all sat down to listen to a sermon from this storyteller. It was completely silent except for his voice and it made me very aware of my tic (a gentle grunt) and my fidgeting which consisted of tapping my feet, playing with my hands, looking around the room and shuffling in my seat. I was worrying that people would notice my fidgeting and instantly think I wasn't listening to the storyteller or interested in God.
What I'm not sure about is whether I really don't believe in God or Jesus or whether it's just because the church atmosphere makes me feel very overwhelmed and uncomfortable especially when you see people with their heads in their hands and waving their hands about in the air. It kind of scares me and creeps me out.
If anyone could give me some reassurance it would be great. I do believe there is a God and I know that Jesus existed yet why do I feel so uncomfortable talking about it and dislike being with a large group of christians at the same time.
